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singer, songwriter, comedian, author, poet, broadcaster and multi-instrumentalist

Noah and the Dinossers

In a place in the north called bacup
An owd lad called Noah did dwell
Where he bred up wrestlin’ maggots
Which to fishin’ lads he would sell

One day he were trainin’ two big uns
By aid of a rope and a plank
‘Ow to grab fish by t’scruff of their necks
An’ chuck ’em up onto t’bank

He’d just showed one the Half-Nelson
When a puff of smoke appeared
And an angel came out of the coalhouse
And shook old Noah by t’beard

“‘Ow do!” said th’angel to Noah
“I’ve come with a message for thee
There’s gooin’ to be floods in a fortneet!”
And Noah said “Well, bugger me!”

“It’s the Lord” said the angel, “He’s proper upset,
He thinks as how t’Worlds gone so wicked
As he’s sending flood waters forty foot deep”
Noah thought (That’ll bugger up t’cricket)

“But seein’ as how you’ve a way like with pets
He wants you to build a big ark.
He’s sending the wood up by Pickfords,
They’ll leave it near t’bandstand in t’park”

When Noah went to t’bandstand next Sunday
A reet old row got a-goin’
‘Cos Buiscuit Works Band said he hammered so loud
It were putting ’em off all their blowin’.

Course, everyone laughed at poor Noah
As he struggled by day and by neet
And he had to ring God up and ask him four times
“What’s a cubitt in inches and feet?”

When he’d done and his ark were all ready
It stretched from t’bandstand to t’swings
So he went back home for a flask of hot cocoa
His wife and his water-wings

Now he’d put an advert in t’paper
Sayin’ “Animals wanted for trip”,
And owing to shortage of space, like,
He’d take just two of each onto t’ship

They had trouble at first with the rabbits
‘Cos they started off with just two
But every morning at roll call
A different number they drew

A lion bit the head off a wart-hog
And a monkey climbed up the flue.
One giraffe were so big they sawed ‘ole in the roof
And left it wi’ it’s head pokin’ through

The rain started falling the very next day
And all was made safe and secure
They’d just casted off and were sailing up t’street
When they heard a loud bang on the door

Said Noah, out loud, “Oooh is it?”
And a quiet little voice then replied
“It’s a couple of dinossers wanting a trip
It’s cowd – will you let us inside?”

“Bog off” said Noah, “We’ve got no more room
We can hardly keep afloat
And get yer foot off the anchor chain
Yer rockin’ the bloomin’ boat”

So Noah sailed off with his ark full of pets
And journeyed the Accrington Sea
They anchored by Holland’s Pies chimney
And Noah was starting his tea

A knock came to t’door, “It’s dinossers!” said Mother
And Noah looked out through the rain
They said “Please let us in”, Noah said “There’s no room,
T’rabbits have started breedin’ again”

The rain packed it in some days later
“Eeh! ‘asn’t it gone quiet”, Noah said
Then a budgie flew by with a log in it’s gob
And dropped it right on Noah’s head

By the time he came round all the water had gone;
Th’ark were hangin’ from Hollands Pies chimney
So they opened the door and let all the beasts go
Except for one camel called Sidney
(They kept him as a door-mat)

And as for the dinossers, they’re not really extinct
You can see ’em in Loch Ness in t’dark
They pop up their heads at the ships in the night
Still lookin’ for Noah and his ark.