The Armchair Anarchist’s Almanac
Paperback: 192 pages
Publisher: Robson Books Ltd (19 Oct 1981)
America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until people got tired of living in a place called “Vespuccia” and changed its name to “America”.
Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
British Israelites: The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C… They further believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth.
Encyclopedia Salesmen: Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police and tell them your house is being burgled.
Gold, n.: A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold hasn’t done anything to them.
If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you’ve got in the house.
If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the Peasant’s Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong enough to punch you.
Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter’s Square that his name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with laughter, singing:
Half a pound of tuppenny rice
Half a pound of treacle
That’s the way the chimney smokes
The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653.
The Psblurtex is an18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen’s outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once tied around its victim’s neck, it strangles him gently and then claims the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding.
Some points to remember [about animals]:
1. Don’t go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, hippopotamuses;
2. Don’t put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the front of your clothes;
3. Don’t pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs you have just kicked.
The Anarchists’ [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of “Camptown Races”. Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.
The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog Eater.
The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to ‘tender and dress’ it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the apparatus for a spectator sport.
The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for castrating pigs during Sunday service
The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn’t take it too seriously.
When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a nose bleed, which usually cures them of that.